[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
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Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Not messing around
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Flock of bats
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
You learn something every day
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.