Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth