[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
