Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

repaired

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application