[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
No Google it does not
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
