[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!