Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

Sounds like a real hoot.

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble