Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

He wanted to make sure😂

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails