*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
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Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
DOOO EEEET
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor