*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?


[Native Americans see ship approach]
Let’s use fake names lol
“Ha! I’ll be Running Bear,u be Crazy Horse”
lmao do u think they’ll believe us


Anytime a frozen meal tells me to “cut holes in film to vent” I pretend like I’m Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects


Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.


Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding


Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye


*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.


[puts puppy in microwave]

[googles instructions for making hotdogs]

[quickly releases puppy from microwave]


“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.


When a Jehovah Witness dies, Heaven turns off all the lights and pretends no one is home.