Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites