Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.