Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt