Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

“Nom nom nom”

– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food

We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days

Netflix: Watch it again

Me: ok

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.