Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Fights fire with marshmallows

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Buddy just texted me that I should’ve passed him the ball in a lacrosse game that happened in 2019

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”