[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
This is what makes twitter great
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
WHY?!
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now