[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you