Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Squirrel having fun.. 😅

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.