Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*

My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?

Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

😭🤣

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

*has no idea what a book even is*

“The Perfect Relationship”

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.