Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

I have a PhD

Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house