On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
This one, by a wide margin
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I can’t stop watching this.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
He a real one for that
Oops 🤭
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton