On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Stonehinge
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed