On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills