On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
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i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Uh oh 👀
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.