Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”

One Tree Hill in 2009:

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!