On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
You Might Also Like
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Worth a try
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy