Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day