Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

Catercrombie & Fish

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

God tier horse name today on the sims

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.