On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
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I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
relationship goals
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die