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@WercYendor

I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

@AdamUrbane

This hammock is the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.

@KeetPotato

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

@KateWhineHall

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

@citizenkawala

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

@TheBoydP

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

@tchrquotes

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

@vonTraphaus

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up