On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
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Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose