Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

I get so stressed trying to keep track of all my Christmas vouchers. I wish there was a universal voucher you could spend anywhere. Maybe it could have the king’s face on it and come in different denominations.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

*gets down on one knee*

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.