Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

Noah

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*