On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
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Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Your honor these allegations are
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*