Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

I am basic white bread.

…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

😂😂

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.