Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.