[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Mornin
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
he chose this
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream