[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.