[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out