Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

no regrets

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

Rare photo of two submarines racing

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”