Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Joker was right

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive