Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

I put the hot in psychotic.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.

The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …