Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
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[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit