On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
I used the label maker
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.