On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
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jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
wish me luck lads
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*