[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
You Might Also Like
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
the icebreaker
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.