On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My background check bounced.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Warm pools make me nervous.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.