When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
You Might Also Like
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.