Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

there’s music for literally every activity

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

Autocorrect is my menesis

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle