On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
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Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Bond. Trauma bond.
Only Americans understand
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
