Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

[varnishing an old rocker]

keith richards: what the hell man

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

💀 😭

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree