On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
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If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I can’t stop watching this.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then