On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Baking is just science you can eat.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings