On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.