On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”