On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
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Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.