*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
She was REALLY feeling it.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh