Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.

[later]

Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.

Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers

*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*

Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

monday

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

Her: how are you still single?

Me: it’s easier than you think.

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.