Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.

CEO: Dang it. That means-

Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

My dress code is business-casualty.

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.