On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
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ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg