Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

Overindulged this afternoon.

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.