Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

😂😂

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.

Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Guy: I hate my spouse.

Friend: You gotta end it.

Guy: I also hate myself.

Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend