On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Good advice.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.