On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I’m calling the cops.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.