On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
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I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
“Worm Regards”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.