Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

My Guy

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.