Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”