Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

Cause of death: Zumba

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom