Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

water it, i dare you

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

do u think theres a butter planet?

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

men, we mow at sunrise.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*