*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?