Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?