Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”

Me:

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section