i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
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My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?
On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.
Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce
My sensitive toothpaste can’t stop crying.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that