@KickSumHunibuns

{On Tinder}

ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please

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@themiltron

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

@EamonToPlease

My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?

@stephanieboland

On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.

Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce

@envydatropic

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

@Cheeseboy22

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

@dshack8

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

@LoveNLunchmeat

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

@T_Bonezzz_

Me: Waking up in the morning is so difficult
Bacon: Here, lemme help you with that