{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
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Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I hate everything
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Am I having a stroke?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..