Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

My love language is hissing.

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.