Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!