On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
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Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
where the womens at?
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If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade