On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
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that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Never forget.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.