On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
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A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
who did the taste test?
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I love wikipedia
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Camping tip: No.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.